TESTIMONY

You don’t know my pain. You don’t know why or how often I cry. I am not writing this because I want people to set aside time to feel sorry for me, nor am I craving attention or special treatment. I am not trying to get back at those who treated me poorly. Sadly, I am doing this for myself because I am deeply hurt.

I am hurt from years of trying my best to hide the person I truly am from those I feared would hate me. I am hurt from years of holding myself ransom so that others would never have to suffer. A long time ago, I had a dream that someone or something had to be given up in order for me to be free. In life, sometimes sacrifices must be made and freedoms must be surrendered—and sometimes, that sacrifice is yourself.

If only you could feel what I am feeling right now. After a constant struggle, I am still here, wondering how life has pushed me so close to the edge. Pain has rocked me back and forth. Even though I had the map all along, I was tempted off my course. So, I have chosen to write this letter and leave it for those who care—those who have always liked me. I want everyone to eventually understand my struggle. I tried to be strong, and I thought I knew what to do, but I can no longer hold it together. I feel that I am finally through.

I am sitting here with ten bottles of pills, crying heavily with a slight smile, my body shivering with chills. I remember how I tried to please everyone, and in that process, I lost myself. I gave everyone everything I had, and now I have nothing left. I know that when I am found, there will be many tears; only then will people truly know how I have been feeling for all these years. Some of you will never understand, but this pain is real. If I could make it better, I would, but the hurt is too deep.

This isn't a new feeling; it didn't just cloud my mind today. Even the person I consider my only friend doesn't seem to care. Mom, I’m sorry I couldn’t make you happy. Dad, I miss you so much. I tried—I promise I did—but my emotions have won this fight. My life has known total darkness, but I am happy to have finally found my light.

This isn't about sexuality, preferences, or the struggle for success. It’s not about the hard times I've faced. It is about me. I just want to live for me.